Chapter 1: Sitting out on the Porch

*Discontinued story I created long ago but I kind of want to finish it now...I just don't know when.*

I remember that it hurt, looking at her hurt. I watched her walk out of my life and into a realm that would separate our worlds forever.  It was my fault, she  left  in the middle of the night and left the cold chill of the wind in my heart. I tried everything to make her happy but I understand why she left. I guess sometimes in life you have to hurt others to get what you want. 

It had only been 5 years but the pain was still there in my heart. She had left my life but she still haunted me day and night, night and day. My thoughts always surrounded around her in some way and here I am  trying to write a novel but I don't even know where to start. My life felt so incomplete and unfinished, how was I going to write a novel when I didn't even have a clue about my own life? 

I needed inspiration, I needed motivation, something that would make me want to write. I loved writing but sometimes it felt more like a chore rather than a hobby and I knew that was a problem. I got up and went outside to sit on my bench I had set out in the front yard after she left me. This was one of my favorite spots to just clear my mind and think, think about life, the future, the present, and the past.  

Looking out at the view of nature made me have hope for my future. You could smell the water from the river near by. There were big palm trees and rocky mountains off in the distance, the night sky gently graced over the world, calmly and sweetly. All next to that beautiful scenery was a house, made by mans strong arms and most of all the most powerful tool ever known to mankind, the human brain...It was truly amazing. 

I sat there enjoying the peace and quiet along with the occasional whispers of the wind and chirping of the crickets nearby. Click clack click clack. It was Charlee, my neighbor's daughter going for her usual night stroll and you could hear her feet a mile away. She was in college but she came back to town every now and then to visit her father sometimes, I never exactly saw her mother, she was spoken of but never seen. I sat there and watched her wander while she flaunted her winsome ways. 

Everyone knew she was a walking devil, full of sin and lust. She was licentious yet she still had a way of clasiness about her. She walked with her head high in the air like she was invinsible. Her green eyes glowed brighter than the moon. She was young and charming but a walking disaster waiting to happen, she was a lady-killer and she knew how to fool men well and it was all because of that pretty face of hers. A serpent with a pretty face, that's what she was and once she slithered her way into your heart you were done. 

A smug smile painted across my face and I couldn't help but laugh under my breath a little as I thought of all the suckers who fell for her schemes. Suddenly I could hear the echo of my backdoor slamming shut and I realized what time it was. 

I walked back into the house only find my friend Nathan at the place he usually was everytime he came over, the bar. The liquour sloshed out of the bottle and into the metal tin like a waterfall. "Hey! Take it easy man I don't need to get drunk!" 

I took a seat at the bar and Nathan went ahead and poured even more liquor into the metal tin just to annoy me. "Come on man live a little!" He blurted out loud as he kept pouring. Plosh splosh split splat. "You were sitting on the porch again...I saw you man, you need all the drinks you can get" he added before laughing and finally putting the bottle down.

He started mixing the drink and when he finished he handed it over to me. I  didn't reach my hand out to take it so he sat the drink down on the surface in front of me. Plop. "Come on man you know I'm over her... I just like sitting outside, it relaxes me" I said, trying to make an effort to defend myself. 

"Bullshit! You fell into that little habit ever since she left you, when are you going to stop? You're better than that Reed!" Nathan was right even though I hated to admit it, he knew me better than anyone else and he always told me his honest opinion about things. There was no sense in trying to lie to him. 

I looked down at my drink and picked it up slowly. "You know, you're right but...It's just not that easy." I mumbled while sighing and looking at my drink some more. "How do people get over things so fast?" I asked him and I probably shouldn't have because I already knew a few of the things he would say. 

"It's easy, just go out there and meet people" He started making another drink and was shaking this one around in the metal tin.Woosh woosh swoosh. "You know, I don't know why you complain so much...Any guy would love to be you right now, you know I'm really starting to think you should just enjoy the bachelor way of life, man."

"But I don't want the bachelor life, I want someone I can bring home to my daughter, someone who has morals and doesn't just want my money" I said slowly while daydreaming about what that life would be like. "I want kids but obviously that's never gonna happen" I sighed and picked my drink up, taking it straight to the head. 

Nathan finished making his drink and sat at the other end of the bar. I got up and walked towards him while watching him finish his drink. He sure did give me a strong mix because I was feeling queezy already, the room felt like it was swaying.  "You do realize that any guy would die to be you right now? I mean seriously, you can have as much sex as you want and not have to worry about anything, no kids, no drama, no annoying wife hounding you every second of the day...You really are a lucky man" 

"But I'm not that kind of guy...I want a family and no offense but I don't want to catch an STD from acting like a man whore...I already have 1 problem with my dick and I don't need to deal with another one..Besides,  I'm a nice guy" I said to him while looking at him up and down. Nathan was my polar opposite yet we were great friends. 

"And that's you're problem! Nice guys ALWAYS finish last!" he replied back to me and went off on a whole rant about why I needed to toughen up. I couldn't focus, I was reminded yet again of how much of  a useless man I was. Since the beginning of time, in the primitive it was a mans job to take care of his family but most importantly it was expected of a man to have a family of his own, he was supposed to spread his seed and have a big family and I couldn't even do that. Thanks to my doctor breaking the news to me about my 'low sperm count' I had given up my hopes for having a true child of my own, it was pathetic. I couldn't even get lucky and have at least 1 sperm cell be a good one but I was used to it, I was just an unlucky person and I accepted it, somewhat but I often wondered what my purpose was if I couldn't even have kids. What was really the point of my life? "Do you understand?" Nathan asked me and I had no idea what he was even talking about. 

"Man you're in another world...That's it! Tomorrow I'm taking you out to a bar and you're going to live like you're 21 again...I can't stand seeing you like this man." He said while eyeing me up and down with an evil smile on his face. 

*******************

Later on that night after a few more drinks and countless amounts of chatter between me and Nathan he finally realized it was time to leave. He walked over to the door and before he left he turned to me and said. "Okay now tomorrow I will pick you up at around 10 and you're going to the bar with me and you better not be out there on that god damn porch moping around in your sorrow..You hear me?"

I was pretty buzzed but I wasn't that out of it to realize that I had fallen behind on the schedule I had set up for myself. "Oh no, I  can't go out tomorrow night...I just wasted a whole night drinking with you when I should've been working on my novel." I said to him while my mind came zooming back to reality. Nathan ignored me and proceeded out the door "See you tomorrow night" I stood there and sighed deeply "Wow, I really need to get it together" I mumbled to myself. 

I walked into my daughter Vivienne's room only to find her under her covers hiding as usual. She always slept that way ever since we adopted her, well that was when Laura was in the picture but now that she isn't anymore, it was my job to make her feel safe again, everything was all on me. She had been in hiding because her father didn't want a girl and her mother had been hiding her ever since and she always felt like she needed to hide from everyone. I was all alone in this, it amazed me how someone could say they love you so much but drop your heart in an instant to go and chase after someone 'bigger and better.'